Eu não estou tentando ser dramática, mas é fato que algumas coisas (ruins) que nos acontece na infância tem o poder de moldar o adulto que somos. Esse tema é normalmente associado a crianças que sofrem abuso sexual,ou que são espancadas.Estes são casos extremos e que realmente causam dano, mas eu tenho certeza que casos menos extremos também causam. Aliás, julgá-los como insignificantes pode nos fazer perder muita coisa importante... Do contrário eu não estaria no meu caminho de transformação (que é basicamente entender idéias erradas que moldaram a minha atual realidade e transformá-las).
Pode soar dramático para muitas pessoas que cresceram como eu, achando que fazer esse trabalho interno é besteira. Eu já fui assim, mas alguma coisa mais forte me puxou para não continuar assim... e eu prefiro assim, porque agora algumas mágicas ficam acontecendo... e jamais estariam se eu continuasse a negar a escuridão dentro de mim!
Bom.... a minha meditação de ontem foi sobre ESTABILIDADE.Eu normalmente acordo pela manhã e vou caminhar, porque a caminhada me coloca num estado de equilibrio, e organiza meus pensamentos trazendo insights lindos que eu vou deixando fluir ...
Hoje é até engraçado pensar em como eu tentei negar esses insights porque eu pensava que eles eram ERRADOS.... ou sinal de fraqueza.
Eu tive alguns episódios na minha infância que BEM frequentemente me visitam a mente em certas situações.
Normalmente os 3 mesmos episódios. Um deles, é o de uma professora me chingando.Eu tinha esse amigo (que era provavelmente 5 ou 6 anos mais velho que eu),que me carregava no ombro "para cima e para baixo",jogava jogos de tabuleiro comigo ou volêi... e eu me lembro claramente de uma professora dizendo: "Como você consegue gostar dessa menina idiota? Ela é feia e ridícula." (ééé,pros uberabenses lendo, isso aconteceu no J.C.,com ESTAS palavras.Eu honestamente me lembro que eu nunca fiz nada para ela,porque eu era uma menina bem doce e educada,e que tinha respeito pelos professores.Hoje eu me pergunto: como PODE um professor fazer isso?
Outra imagem muito clara foi a de uma professora (no mesmo colégio),me dizendo que meu desenho estava horrível , e me tirou do grupo de amigos com quem eu desenhava, me pegando pelo braço e dizendo que eu era teimosa porque desenhei uma árvore colorida. Hoje eu me pergunto: Eu estava MESMO sendo teimosa?Mas eu não consigo ver nenhum sinal de teimosia porque eu lembro meus sentimentos pelo meu desenho: Meu coração fico quentinho de felicidade e orgulho da árvore colorida e com um sorriso que eu inventei no tronco.Fui acusada de ser teimosa por estar feliz e fluindo.
Eu estudei nesse colégio onde treinavam as pessoas a acreditar em idiotices nada a ver com a realidade como: ser arrogante,dinheiro te faz superior e mais delicado ainda: Receber amor é muito difícil. Você só pode ser amado se for "isso ou aquilo".Existe um ESFORÇO muiiiito grande que você precisa fazer para ser amado. E o pior de tudo é que esse esforço destrói totalmente o que você realmente é. É tipo um elefante tentando vestir a calça jeans de uma girafa! Mas enquanto criança, você começa a acreditar que aquelas coisas são reais... você é muiiito inocente... tudo o que você tem é pureza e amor para oferecer,então vocÊ espera o mesmo de adultos e outras crianças.
Como eu estou agora tão mais consciente dos meus pensamentos, foi impossível deixar de notar o quão frequente esses pensamentos saltam sobre a tela da minha mente.Eles estão com certeza conectados com o meu medo de rejeição.Do verdadeiro EU ser rejeitado (aquele que desenha arvores coloridas com rostos felizes no tronco).Enfim, mas a coisa fica tão estranha que hoje em dia, as vezes até quando as pessoas estão me DANDO amor, o pensamento pula na minha frente automaticamente e me diz que não mereço o amor. E me diz com falsa certeza que em algum determinado momento as pessoas vão embora porque quem eu sou de fato é alguém horrivel!
Bom! O insight foi concluído depois de uma aula de canto muito demais com um professor mais que demais, e porque me deu um desejo doido de ouvir música folk...que me fez encontrar no youtube uma menina que me tocou muiiito. (Eu sou assim mesmo, acho respostas em áreas nada a ver com o que tava rolando... se bem que acredito que há sim uma conexão....)
É bom ouvir o que esses trauminhas estão querendo nos dizer.Eu falo sobre a mensagem VERDADEIRA e não a FALSA que nos confunde e nos faz acreditar que somos algo que NÃO somos. Nós somos amor puro! nós somos os nossos corações.O caminho REAL nos leva para coisas boas sempre, e se realmente ouvirmos, ele nunca está errado. Ele pode PARECER errado quando a gente continua a ler ele com as lentes distorcidas (as envenenadas que PARECEM reais). É bom se render ao que traz essa sensação quentinha no coração e não para aquilo que dá a sensação de gastar energias demais do nosso corpo e mente.
Enfim! Eu espero que isso possa ajudar alguém!!!
quinta-feira, 29 de agosto de 2013
unravelling
I'm not trying to be dramatic here, but it is a fact that some (bad)things that happens in our childhood can really shape who we are as adults. I know people often relate this topic to children who suffered from being raped,or terribly beaten... Those are extreme cases. But we should not think that the less extremes don't cause any damage. I have just had this insight about my personal life that YES it does cause damage. Otherwise I wouldn't be now in my path of transformation (which is basically understanding the wrong ideas that are so rooted in my mind,and shaping a new reality).
It might yes sound dramatic to many people that were probably raised like me, and just think it is bulshit to do this inner work. I have been there, but something stronger didn't let me stay there. And I prefer this way because little magics are happening... which could never happen if I would still be that one who didn't want to look in this dark areas.
Well...my meditation of yesterday was about stability. I normally wake up in the morning and always go for a walk. The walks always put me into balance as they are filled with beautiful insights that I just allow to flow.
So funny to think about how much I denied those insights for so long... I thought they were wrong... or weak.
I had some episodes in my childhood that often times would pop up in my mind when I am in certain situations. normally the 3 same. One is a teacher cursing at me. There was this good friend I had, which was probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and he would carry me around in his shoulders, play board games, or voleyball and I have a clear image of this teacher telling him "how can you like this stupid girl? She is ugly and ridiculous!". And I honestly remember I never did anything to her,as I was always that very polite sweet little girl that had respect for teachers.Now I ask myself HOW COME can a teacher do it?
Another VERY VIVID image that pops up often times is one of my OTHER teacher saying that my drawing was terribly bad, and then she removed me from a group of friends because of it, saying that I was stubborn because I drew a colourful tree. Thinking about it NOW, I ask myself: Was I really stubborn? But then I don't see any signs of it, as I CLEARLY remember my feelings for my drawing: My heart was warm and proud of the colourful leaves, and the face I drew in the tree trunk. I was accused to be stubborn,(and forbidden to be in a group of children) when I was so happy and flowing!
I studied in what we call in Brazil a "patricinha's or mauricinho's" school. This means that people's mind are trained to be arrogant, believe that money makes them superior, but most importantly,there is a DEEP message which is: Receiving love is too far away. You can only have it if you are THIS OR THAT. There is a HUGE effort you have to do to be LOVED. The very bad thing is that THIS effort is something that totally destroys who you REALLY are! It's like an elephant trying to wear those jeans that only a giraffe can put on. But as a child you start beliving that those things are true... you are so naive... and all you have is purity and love to offer, so you EXPECT the same from adults and other children.
As I am now so aware of my thoughts, It was impossible not noticing how frequently these thoughts pop up...They are indeed related to my fear of rejection. The real me being rejected. Sometimes, even when people are giving me love, the automatic thoughts tell me otherwise. It tells me (almost like a prophecy)that at a certain point , people will go away and see the real me as something terrible.
Well! the insight was blurried but then totally concluded after the amazing singing lesson from this amazing coach which is now teaching me. Also because I had this little voice telling me "I miss listening to folk music" Then I found a girl on youtube which touched my soul with her songs!
It is good to look at what those little traumas are telling us. the REAL message and not the FAKE message that might confuse us and makes us believe we are something we are not. we ARE pure love. We are our hearts. The REAL path only leads us to good things, and if we listen to it, it is never wrong. It only sounds wrong if we are trying to read things with the distorted lenses (those poisoned ones which APPEAR to be right). it is good to surrender to what feels warm in our heart, and not to what feels like a struggle.
Anyway... I just hope it can help someone!
It might yes sound dramatic to many people that were probably raised like me, and just think it is bulshit to do this inner work. I have been there, but something stronger didn't let me stay there. And I prefer this way because little magics are happening... which could never happen if I would still be that one who didn't want to look in this dark areas.
Well...my meditation of yesterday was about stability. I normally wake up in the morning and always go for a walk. The walks always put me into balance as they are filled with beautiful insights that I just allow to flow.
So funny to think about how much I denied those insights for so long... I thought they were wrong... or weak.
I had some episodes in my childhood that often times would pop up in my mind when I am in certain situations. normally the 3 same. One is a teacher cursing at me. There was this good friend I had, which was probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and he would carry me around in his shoulders, play board games, or voleyball and I have a clear image of this teacher telling him "how can you like this stupid girl? She is ugly and ridiculous!". And I honestly remember I never did anything to her,as I was always that very polite sweet little girl that had respect for teachers.Now I ask myself HOW COME can a teacher do it?
Another VERY VIVID image that pops up often times is one of my OTHER teacher saying that my drawing was terribly bad, and then she removed me from a group of friends because of it, saying that I was stubborn because I drew a colourful tree. Thinking about it NOW, I ask myself: Was I really stubborn? But then I don't see any signs of it, as I CLEARLY remember my feelings for my drawing: My heart was warm and proud of the colourful leaves, and the face I drew in the tree trunk. I was accused to be stubborn,(and forbidden to be in a group of children) when I was so happy and flowing!
I studied in what we call in Brazil a "patricinha's or mauricinho's" school. This means that people's mind are trained to be arrogant, believe that money makes them superior, but most importantly,there is a DEEP message which is: Receiving love is too far away. You can only have it if you are THIS OR THAT. There is a HUGE effort you have to do to be LOVED. The very bad thing is that THIS effort is something that totally destroys who you REALLY are! It's like an elephant trying to wear those jeans that only a giraffe can put on. But as a child you start beliving that those things are true... you are so naive... and all you have is purity and love to offer, so you EXPECT the same from adults and other children.
As I am now so aware of my thoughts, It was impossible not noticing how frequently these thoughts pop up...They are indeed related to my fear of rejection. The real me being rejected. Sometimes, even when people are giving me love, the automatic thoughts tell me otherwise. It tells me (almost like a prophecy)that at a certain point , people will go away and see the real me as something terrible.
Well! the insight was blurried but then totally concluded after the amazing singing lesson from this amazing coach which is now teaching me. Also because I had this little voice telling me "I miss listening to folk music" Then I found a girl on youtube which touched my soul with her songs!
It is good to look at what those little traumas are telling us. the REAL message and not the FAKE message that might confuse us and makes us believe we are something we are not. we ARE pure love. We are our hearts. The REAL path only leads us to good things, and if we listen to it, it is never wrong. It only sounds wrong if we are trying to read things with the distorted lenses (those poisoned ones which APPEAR to be right). it is good to surrender to what feels warm in our heart, and not to what feels like a struggle.
Anyway... I just hope it can help someone!
sábado, 24 de agosto de 2013
Some of my crazy thoughts!!! ^^
It's been a while since I last wrote, because there are so many things happening in my life - since I started opening up - that I just got "lost" (in a positive way) on it.
Well, one thing that really has been helping me doing the things I want to do, is to imagine me as a body full of natural wisdom, and then I GIVE my body to the experience. I surrender to the experience. We indeed have natural wisdom that we block in time, and the magic happens when we unblock it...we allow it to flow.
We cram so much distorted thoughts in our mind, that when we want to learn something new , we go to that NEW experience with that OLD mindset! And this is when it will NEVER work! We have to be able to surrender to a new thing and forgive (and forget ) our temptation to "know it all! i'm mr right!" and REALLY NOT KNOW... in order to trully knoW!Listening with the heart is totally different than listening only to have the chance to vomit all our "super-knowledge" . We are not even listening when we do it! We are just in a monologue!
I have been developing a passion for the REAL listening. It makes me feel whole and connected, and the stories ALWAYS teach me something. ALWAYS. Sometimes, a story with only "Hi, good morning!" is already a huge conection and provide me smiles.
Our bodies have so many tools. Our bodies are amazing. Whenever my trained mind tells me (because it has rehearsed to do it SO WELL) that I CAN NOT DO something, i just repeat to myself: "I was born with a strong body. I have all the tools in me, and they are here to be USED". And notice: this is not something i'm saying just to create an ilusion to live. NO. this is the TRUTH. What is NOT true is unfortunatly, how MOST OFTHE PEOPLE forget about their bodies, and put their most amazing tools to sleep. That is when they stop believing in themselves... This is what is not TRUE!
The truth is that the world HAS LOVE - and people prefer the stupid way.
The truth is that our bodies ARE healthy, and has an incredible natural wisdom of digesting, breathing and everything we need to LIVE - and then people distort it all.
The truth is that much of what we learn is distorted from reality - and people unfortunatly, BELIEVE it.
Well, one thing that really has been helping me doing the things I want to do, is to imagine me as a body full of natural wisdom, and then I GIVE my body to the experience. I surrender to the experience. We indeed have natural wisdom that we block in time, and the magic happens when we unblock it...we allow it to flow.
We cram so much distorted thoughts in our mind, that when we want to learn something new , we go to that NEW experience with that OLD mindset! And this is when it will NEVER work! We have to be able to surrender to a new thing and forgive (and forget ) our temptation to "know it all! i'm mr right!" and REALLY NOT KNOW... in order to trully knoW!Listening with the heart is totally different than listening only to have the chance to vomit all our "super-knowledge" . We are not even listening when we do it! We are just in a monologue!
I have been developing a passion for the REAL listening. It makes me feel whole and connected, and the stories ALWAYS teach me something. ALWAYS. Sometimes, a story with only "Hi, good morning!" is already a huge conection and provide me smiles.
Our bodies have so many tools. Our bodies are amazing. Whenever my trained mind tells me (because it has rehearsed to do it SO WELL) that I CAN NOT DO something, i just repeat to myself: "I was born with a strong body. I have all the tools in me, and they are here to be USED". And notice: this is not something i'm saying just to create an ilusion to live. NO. this is the TRUTH. What is NOT true is unfortunatly, how MOST OFTHE PEOPLE forget about their bodies, and put their most amazing tools to sleep. That is when they stop believing in themselves... This is what is not TRUE!
The truth is that the world HAS LOVE - and people prefer the stupid way.
The truth is that our bodies ARE healthy, and has an incredible natural wisdom of digesting, breathing and everything we need to LIVE - and then people distort it all.
The truth is that much of what we learn is distorted from reality - and people unfortunatly, BELIEVE it.
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