unravelling

I'm not trying to be dramatic here, but it is a fact that some (bad)things that happens in our childhood can really shape who we are as adults. I know people often relate this topic to children who suffered from being raped,or terribly beaten... Those are extreme cases. But we should not think that the less extremes don't cause any damage. I have just had this insight about my personal life that YES it does cause damage. Otherwise I wouldn't be now in my path of transformation (which is basically understanding the wrong ideas that are so rooted in my mind,and shaping a new reality).
It might yes sound dramatic to many people that were probably raised like me, and just think it is bulshit to do this inner work. I have been there, but something stronger didn't let me stay there. And I prefer this way because little magics are happening... which could never happen if I would still be that one who didn't want to look in this dark areas.
Well...my meditation of yesterday was about stability. I normally wake up in the morning and always go for a walk. The walks always put me into balance as they are filled with beautiful insights that I just allow to flow.
So funny to think about how much I denied those insights for so long... I thought they were wrong... or weak.
I had some episodes in my childhood that often times would pop up in my mind when I am in certain situations. normally the 3 same. One is a teacher cursing at me. There was this good friend I had, which was probably 5 or 6 years older than me, and he would carry me around in his shoulders, play board games, or voleyball and I have a clear image of this teacher telling him "how can you like this stupid girl? She is ugly and ridiculous!". And I honestly remember I never did anything to her,as I was always that very polite sweet little girl that had respect for teachers.Now I ask myself HOW COME can a teacher do it?
Another VERY VIVID image that pops up often times is one of my OTHER teacher saying that my drawing was terribly bad, and then she removed me from a group of friends because of it, saying that I was stubborn because I drew a colourful tree. Thinking about it NOW, I ask myself: Was I really stubborn? But then I don't see any signs of it, as I CLEARLY remember my feelings for my drawing: My heart was warm and proud of the colourful leaves, and the face I drew in the tree trunk. I was accused to be stubborn,(and forbidden to be in a group of children) when I was so happy and flowing!
I studied in what we call in Brazil a "patricinha's or mauricinho's" school. This means that people's mind are trained to be arrogant, believe that money makes them superior, but most importantly,there is a DEEP message which is: Receiving love is too far away. You can only have it if you are THIS OR THAT. There is a HUGE effort you have to do to be LOVED. The very bad thing is that THIS effort is something that totally destroys who you REALLY are! It's like an elephant trying to wear those jeans that only a giraffe can put on. But as a child you start beliving that those things are true... you are so naive... and all you have is purity and love to offer, so you EXPECT the same from adults and other children.
As I am now so aware of my thoughts, It was impossible not noticing how frequently these thoughts pop up...They are indeed related to my fear of rejection. The real me being rejected. Sometimes, even when people are giving me love, the automatic thoughts tell me otherwise. It tells me (almost like a prophecy)that at a certain point , people will go away and see the real me as something terrible.
Well! the insight was blurried but then totally concluded after the amazing singing lesson from this amazing coach which is now teaching me. Also because I had this little voice telling me "I miss listening to folk music" Then I found a girl on youtube which touched my soul with her songs!
It is good to look at what those little traumas are telling us. the REAL message and not the FAKE message that might confuse us and makes us believe we are something we are not. we ARE pure love. We are our hearts. The REAL path only leads us to good things, and if we listen to it, it is never wrong. It only sounds wrong if we are trying to read things with the distorted lenses (those poisoned ones which APPEAR to be right). it is good to surrender to what feels warm in our heart, and not to what feels like a struggle.
Anyway... I just hope it can help someone!